The Hardest Thing
by JadziaKathryn
Summary: Overheard gossip leads Seven to some serious rethinking. C7, JC, K7
1. Prologue

Disclaimer: Paramount owns them; I'm just playing in their world and making no money doing it.

**The Hardest Thing**

**Prologue**

Seven of Nine was hidden in the shadows of Cargo Bay One, deep inside the returned starship _Voyager_, retrieving the few personal effects that she kept. Neatly folding the blanket that had been a recent gift from the Ventu girl, she looked up when she heard footsteps coming. There was nobody scheduled to be in the cargo bay other than herself.

The footsteps belonged to Crewmen Fellini and Dahali. She was about to announce her presence when she heard a comment that stopped her.

"Can you believe that Commander Chakotay is seeing Seven of Nine?" asked Fellini. Seven had not been aware that the 'rumor mill' had been alerted of their relationship, and she elected to remain out of sight as she did not know how to act in the awkward social situation. Many members of the crew wished to tour the ship one more time before it underwent extensive refits, and the women would doubtlessly spend very little time in the cargo bay. If she did not announce herself, she could most likely avoid a difficult conversation.

"Unbelievable," replied Dahali. "Everyone knows he and the captain are in love." Seven inhaled sharply. She knew of that rumor, of course. Everyone on board _Voyager_ did. However, she had come to the conclusion that, if such affection ever existed, it was no longer present.

"I heard that she looked like he punched her," continued Dahali. "But she kept pushing him away for _years_. He was so obvious! That's why nobody would ever think about seeing him."

"Except Seven," amended Fellini.

"Well, she wasn't with us in the beginning."

"Even still, I would've thought…" Fellini trailed off, then started again. "I guess the commander gave up on Captain Janeway."

"But now she's free, and he's not." The petite Dahali sighed. "It's so tragic, because you know he's too good a man to dump Seven just like that." She snapped her fingers.

"It seems odd to talk about Seven here."

"Why?"

Fellini shrugged. "It's kind of like her quarters, I guess."

"Doesn't bother me. It's not like she's here or anything."

"Yeah, I bet Starfleet is going to be debriefing her for at least as long as Captain Janeway."

"I hope they're fair to her. Being a drone before and all."

"I'm pretty sure Captain Janeway will fight for her. Seven's like her daughter."

Dahali sighed again. "Ironic, isn't it?"

"Very."

The women had left the cargo bay after that, unaware that the main subject of their conversation stood in the shadows, devastated. The foundation upon which she had planned to enter the new phase of her humanity had been abruptly demolished. Seven found herself conflicted, with anger, hurt, and worry roiling inside her.


	2. Part One

She did not know how to properly deal with the emotions, but she did not know of anyone she felt comfortable sharing her feelings with. Usually she would have talked with Captain Janeway or Chakotay, but as they were involved in generating the emotions that did not seem appropriate. Nor did she want to discuss them with the Doctor, whose own recent revelation of his romantic interest in her made Seven decide not to ask his advice.

Eventually she decided on a course of action and made her way to crew quarters. Most of the crew was packing their belongings, and she hoped that the person whose opinion she sought would be among them.

"Come in," was the muffled response to the door chime. Seven stepped into the nearly-empty quarters, which at this point contained mostly storage boxes. After a moment Tom Paris, well-known for his knowledge of rumors, stepped out from the bedroom. "Hi, Seven."

The Doctor had challenged her several weeks prior to being using greetings more often. As _Voyager_ was now in Earth orbit, it seemed like a wise suggestion, and Tom Paris would be an ideal person to begin with. "Hi," she ventured, and then progressed to a more comfortable use of words. "How is your packing progressing?"

"The hardest part has been keeping B'Elanna away from it!" he responded. "I told her that I'd take care of it, but she doesn't think she needs to rest any more than I do."

Seven raised her optical implant. "I assume that Miral is keeping you awake at night."

He nodded. "We only get to sleep about three hours at a time. Miral is doing great, though. B'Elanna just took her for a checkup with the Doctor while I finish packing. Between you and me, I think he schedules these checkups just to see her more," he chuckled.

"I would not rule out the possibility."

"When are you taking apart your alcove?" he asked, leaning against the bare wall.

"Ensign Kim and I are scheduled to begin deconstruction at 1600 hours. Starfleet has agreed that it may be installed in my assigned quarters while we debrief."

"Starfleet temporary housing, also known as cages."

"Are you and Lieutenant Torres relocating to a 'cage?'"

He smiled. "Actually, we're not. We're going to stay with my parents. Not for long – just until we can get settled and get our own place. My mom is going to help out with Miral while we debrief."

"You plan to stay on Earth, then."

He shrugged. "It's important to us that Miral have a good childhood. We decided that we'll take planetside assignments, if Starfleet keeps us. Settling on the moon isn't out of the question, though."

"Starfleet would be foolish if they do not authorize your commissions."

"At least the worst they'll do is decide not to reinstate us."

"I do not think that Captain Janeway would have agreed to leave _Voyager_ if Starfleet failed to pardon former Maquis members."

He laughed. "Probably not."

She found that learning about her crewmates' plans was a desirable goal. Perhaps there was more to "small talk" than she had assumed. This would require further consideration.

"How about you, Seven? What are your plans?"

"I have agreed to a rigorous debriefing," she said. "The captain said that they were asking too much, but I disagree. The information I will provide could save millions of lives."

"How rigorous?"

"I estimate that the process will take six months."

He whistled. "Whoa! You're not joking!"

"No."

"How about after that?"

Here she was uncertain. Seven did not like uncertainty. "I have not made definite plans," she confessed. "I believe that I would prefer to work as a civilian scientist, as Starfleet's regulations are constricting. There are many research groups that study astrometric phenomena."

"Sounds like a good fit for you."

The conversation stopped, and she found that it was time to bring up the topic which had compelled her visit. "You are undoubtedly aware of the rumors that Captain Janeway and Commander Chakotay were romantically attracted to each other." He was also undoubtedly aware that she and Chakotay were at least reported to be romantically involved, but she did not mention that.

He had the tact not to mention it either, but shifted his gaze slightly away from her. "I think everyone has, Seven."

"Could you please enumerate?"

"What?"

"Could you please enumerate?"

He looked at her disbelievingly. "You want me to retell old gossip?"

"Yes."

"I don't suppose I get to know why."

"I would prefer to keep my reasons to myself," she answered. Of course, the question would suggest certain things to him, but that could not be helped.

"Oh boy," he muttered. "A lot of it centered around New Earth. You know about that, right?" She nodded, and he continued. "Well, they were down there alone, and thought they'd be there the rest of their lives. So, for a lot of people, the natural conclusion is that they started a relationship. Or at least that they were moving towards one."

"And after New Earth?"

"They never gave any signs of being more than friends. I think that some people mistook friendship for something else. The captain probably felt like he was one of the few people she could let her guard down with. Especially by the time you came on board. In the beginning, she was more open. Chakotay is a good man, and he didn't want her to shoulder the burden alone. They work well together, they're friends – but of course there are always people who will think more is going on."

"Were you among them?"

Once again he looked at her incredulously. "You do know what you're asking, right?"

She answered quickly and evenly, "I'm asking you whether you were among those who speculated on the possibility of a romantic relationship between Captain Janeway and Commander Chakotay."

"Yep, you know what you're asking." He shook his head. "Where is all this coming from?"

She lifted her ocular implant again. "I suspect that you already know."

He didn't seem to know how to respond. "Oh."

She lowered the tone of her voice. "Were you among them?"

He looked sideways to see Earth below them. Currently the horn of Africa was visible from the windows. "I was, once," he said after a long moment of silence.

"Thank you," she said.

He nodded. "That's what friends are for."

"I should return to the cargo bay. Ensign Kim will be arriving soon, although he cautioned that he may be late due to his mother's unwillingness to let him out of her sight."

"I met her yesterday, and I don't doubt that!"

"I would appreciate it if you and Lieutenant Torres kept this conversation to yourselves," she said. The least desirable position would involve public knowledge of her questions.

"We will," he replied, then did what she knew to be considered a 'double take.' "Wait, _we_?"

"I have no intentions of asking you to keep a secret from your wife. Would that not be considered rude?"

He smiled and laughed in a manner that Seven had come to realize was approving. "You've come a long way, Seven."


	3. Part Two

Six days later…

Chakotay had asked to take her to Stonehenge. "The sophistication of what they achieved with limited technology is fascinating," he said enthusiastically. She was initially doubtful, but as a monument to human accomplishment it sounded important, so she agreed to go. Besides, he mentioned that it had been used as an astronomical calendar, and this intrigued her.

In her research she had learned that ending a relationship such as theirs in any way but face to face was considered particularly rude and insulting, unless distance prohibited it. She had no desire to hurt Chakotay, nor to flagrantly violate social customs, even if she did not understand them. Therefore she had not cancelled their date.

They met at the transport station after a day of debriefing and informed the attendant of their destination. Mercifully, due to stern Starfleet admonitions, the unsolicited press attention the crew of _Voyager _was subject to was limited. Starfleet hadn't wanted the crew bombarded with questions before the administration had even decided what was classified. Seven was grateful for the relative privacy for personal reasons.

It was mid-morning in Britain. "How've you been?" he asked. They began to walk toward the site, as the transport station was behind a hill. Around Stonehenge itself technology was strictly limited.

"My debriefings have been extremely detailed. I have found time for little else. And you?"

"Pretty much the same. I think they could spend a year grilling us for every year we were in the Delta Quadrant."

"Their curiosity is understandable, but frustrating."

Chakotay nodded. "There it is." She studied the monument for a moment. "What do you think?" he prompted.

"It is a pity that it is not completely intact," she said. "It would be even more impressive." They continued walking, ignoring the stares that appearing anywhere on the planet inevitably generated. "If someone were to make this today, it would mean very little. However, considering the primitive technology available, it is…fascinating."

A forcefield protected Stonehenge from those who might wish to damage it, although Seven could not imagine why anyone would want to do that. It allowed them to get within a meter and a half of the great stones. She enjoyed spending time with Chakotay, and the monument was intriguing. There were a few dozen other visitors milling around who tended to stare at them but kept a respectful distance.

"We think they used thick rope to pull the stones along. The stones were pulled on a series of wooden rollers that generated less friction than the ground."

"This must have meant a great deal to the builders, if they expended that much time and energy."

He nodded in response. "I can see why."

Seven could see why as well. Standing in front of Stonehenge, she felt as though she were glimpsing into another world. She had seen numerous other worlds, and had the assimilated knowledge of many more. Yet this world was one that was long gone and left little else but its one enduring material legacy. Even more, this world was one to which she in a sense belonged – an ancient human world. It was a new feeling, and she did not entirely understand it.

"As can I," she acknowledged. "Although I am having difficulty finding words to explain this feeling."

He smiled knowingly. "We'll have to go see the pyramids of Giza. You'll be astounded by those too."

The remark jarred her. She was supposed to be ending their romantic relationship, not encouraging it. She was enjoying their date. Nonetheless, she had resolved that it would be their last. "Chakotay, we have to talk."

"It sounds serious."

"It is."

It was as if he ceased to be aware of the surroundings that had previously captured his attention. His full attention was now given to her. "I'm listening."

She ignored the emotions threatening her control and stated, "This relationship is no longer in our best interests."

He clearly did not agree. "What?"

"On _Voyager_ circumstances were much different. Now that we have returned to Earth, I do not believe that a romantic relationship between us is a wise choice."

"You're doing it again," he sighed.

She did not know what he was referring to. "Doing what?"

"Trying to break up with me."

"No," she corrected. "'Trying' makes it sound as though I will not succeed."

The pain on Chakotay's face caused her stomach to clench and sorrow to shock her. "We've only been on Earth for a week, Seven. You haven't even given us a chance!"

He was pleading, but she had resolved that she would be strong. She would not fail. "I regret that you do not agree with my decision."

"Can we at least talk about this?" Tears welled up in his eyes, and the knowledge that she was the source of them was disturbing. Seven reminded herself that her actions would be beneficial to him over time.

She replied sadly, "There is nothing you can say that will change my mind."

"Is that what you thought last time, too?"

She would not acknowledge that last time she had acted for his benefit as well. She would not tell him things he did not need to know. "I'm sorry."

"Do me one last favor," he said. "Look at me."

Seven hardly ever shied from eye contact, but she found it difficult to look at Chakotay's eyes and remain calm. After a moment, she complied with his request. "Do you really want what we have to end?" he asked. Before she could answer, he amended, "Yes or no?"

"Yes," she replied, surprised at her ability to reply without hesitation, despite her internal turmoil and true desire to tell him no, she truly wished to remain in a romantic relationship with him.

He looked off through the semi-circle of stones sadly. "I guess there's nothing left to say then."

In truth there were many things left to say, but they were all better left unsaid. Even if Chakotay did not realize it, he loved Captain Janeway. Seven had a great deal of affection for Chakotay, but she knew ending their relationship was the right choice. It would allow him to explore his relationship with the captain, a woman to whom Seven was fiercely loyal despite their many differences of opinion. Furthermore, as a secondary consideration, she could not entirely reconcile herself to being any man's second choice, even Chakotay's.

He contradicted himself, finding more to say. "Seven, I never meant to push you into something you weren't ready for."

"You must not blame yourself. This is my choice."

He nodded slowly. "I guess I'll see you at the official functions."

"Yes." It took a moment, but her will overpowered her emotions. She turned toward the transport station. "I will see you, as Lieutenant Paris is fond of saying, 'around.'"

"See you around," he echoed so quietly she barely even heard it. With even strides she walked back to the transport station. She looked back before Stonehenge disappeared behind the hill, but a small crowd had arrived via shuttle, and she could no longer separate Chakotay from them.


	4. Part Three

Janeway's combadge chirped, and the voice of her assistant came through. "Admiral, you have a visitor coming in." That was odd. Haley always asked before sending someone in.

"I don't really have time," she began, and then Seven walked through the door. "Never mind." She was certain that she heard Haley chuckle before closing the communication.

"Am I interrupting something?" asked Seven.

"Nothing that can't wait. Have a seat." When Seven took the seat, Janeway had to marvel at how far her manners had come. "How are you?"

"I do not like briefing Starfleet Intelligence on the Borg. As Lieutenant Commander Paris put it, to them I am little more than 'a walking encyclopedia.'"

Starfleet, after a good deal of internal debate, had decided to offer Seven a commission on one condition: that she give a detailed briefing on the Borg. So detailed, in fact, that it would probably take several months. "Nobody made you accept that offer, Seven."

"Whether I like this or not is irrelevant." Suddenly, Janeway was afraid that Seven wasn't making so much progress after all, that maybe she was regressing. "In fact, I doubt that I will choose to join Starfleet once I have finished my current task. However, this is something I must do. It may save countless lives. Knowing that, I had no choice but to agree."

The haunted look came into Seven's eyes. It never failed that when she talked about her actions as a Borg, the look appeared. "I am not certain that I will ever forgive myself for my role in assimilating so many individuals. Logically, I know that I was a drone and therefore had no choice, but I have found that there are a many things about being human that defy logic." She paused before continuing, "I cannot find all the drones I assimilated and restore their individuality, but I may be able to save others from assimilation."

Janeway nodded slowly. "I think I understand," she said, "as much as I can without being in your shoes."

"Do you like your new job?" asked Seven, who had clearly said all she wanted to say about her own quest for atonement.

"It has its moments," she replied with a shrug. "Unlimited coffee, for one thing." Lifting the mug for effect, she said, "are you thirsty?"

"No." Seven's optical implant rose as she reprimanded her former captain. "The Doctor would not be pleased."

Janeway smiled. "I'm sure he'll get a good lecture in at my next physical. How do you like being on Earth?"

"Briefing requires the majority of my time. I do spend Sunday afternoons with my aunt."

"That's wonderful."

"I enjoy our weekly visits, and she has been far less intimidated by my implants than I had anticipated."

"I'm glad to hear it. She must be so happy to have you back. The rest of us came home after seven years. You came home after more than twenty."

She received a nod in response. When Seven didn't say anything, Janeway decided to face the truth head on. "I know some of the crew said that Starfleet promoted me because they didn't want a renegade captain."

"Mr. Paris was especially vocal in that regard."

"I'm not surprised. There is some truth in that, I'll admit. But the truth is hardly ever that simple. I didn't fight it. They offered me a promotion and I accepted." She laughed. "I think they were relieved."

"Why did you choose to accept the promotion?"

"I think the biggest reason is that I can never top _Voyager_. If I got another ship, I would spend a lot of time thinking about how it wasn't _Voyager_, how the crew wasn't my crew, and in focusing on what it wasn't, I would miss everything it was. That's not fair to the crew."

"If you recognized the likelihood of this happening, you could have made a conscious effort to prevent it."

"It would've happened anyway, Seven. Nothing will ever be _Voyager_, and I don't want to pretend. Besides, I'm tired."

"Now that we have returned, you should have enough time for adequate sleep."

Without meaning to, Janeway laughed. "Not that kind of tired. The last seven years took a lot out of me. I'm enjoying having a personal life again. On the weekends I visit my family. I have a niece and twin nephews, you know."

"I am glad that you mentioned your personal life."

"You are?"

"Yes. That is why I came."

Perplexed, Janeway could only wait for Seven to explain. She leaned back in her chair – she was still breaking it in – and looked at the young woman. While she waited, she reached for her coffee.

"As you know, Chakotay and I ended our relationship over a month ago." She nodded, and Seven plowed ahead. "Why have you not attempted a romantic relationship with him?"

Janeway was glad that she had just swallowed her coffee, or she would've choked. She put the mug down a little too hard and sloshed some of the drink onto her desk. "What?"

"Why have you not attempted-"

"I heard you the first time, Seven. I'm just a little…stunned."

"It is obvious that you harbor mutual affection. While on _Voyager_, you would not act upon this. Now, however, you are free to do so." That was true. Chakotay had neatly sidestepped the debate over letting a former Maquis captain rejoin Starfleet by expressing his desire to leave Starfleet. He'd asked for a spot on the Federation Cultural History Commission, which he was granted. The new job was fulfilling and he reported being quite happy with it.

"I hope this didn't factor in to your breakup."

Seven raised her implant, which arched over her eye in a Vulcan-esque manner. "The responsibility was mine alone."

Janeway was trying to gather her wits. "So you think that Chakotay and I should start a relationship." She could not believe she was having the conversation.

"I believe that both of you would be happier if you did." She glanced at her hands for a moment. "I also want to apologize for any pain I caused you during our relationship."

Janeway tried to make light of that particular subject. "Seven, I want you to be happy, just as I want Chakotay to be happy. You have nothing to apologize for."

She nodded her understanding and stood up. "I am due back in eight minutes, but I am glad we were able to talk."

"It's always good to see you."

"I hope you'll consider what I said."

Surprising herself, she agreed. "I will." Just before the door closed, she added, "thank you."

A half-smile graced Seven's lips, and then the door closed. "Well," Janeway sighed, picking up her coffee, "I certainly do have a lot to think about."

* * *

Seven walked back towards the conference room where she was explaining the Borg in meticulous detail. Although exhausting, each day she felt closer to regaining her humanity, as each day provided the Federation with knowledge that could protect them from the Borg. It was rewarding. 

The time that had elapsed between leaving Chakotay alone at Stonehenge had soothed her emotions. She cared a great deal for him, and she hoped that in the future they could be friends. Nevertheless, she was certain that she had done the right thing, as hard as it had been.

It had not been easy to visit Admiral Janeway either, but it was crucial. Seven did not want her mentor to delay or avoid a romance with Chakotay because of her own experience. She owed a great deal to her former captain, and did not want to inadvertently stand in the way of her happiness.

Now, as she had heard several crewmates say aboard _Voyager_, the ball was out of her court.

* * *

A/N: After this, there's just the epilogue left. Just as well, since this story has become my albatross. 


	5. Epilogue

**Epilogue**

Annika decided to check her communications before Harry arrived. Noting the sparkling ring on her left hand while she checked the station, she confirmed her earlier conclusion that it did, inexplicably, serve as an emotional catalyst.

She was grateful that the Neptune Project, the scientific group to which she belonged, had asked her to spend a year aboard the _U.S.S. Alexandria_. They had chosen her because of her prior experience working as a civilian aboard a Starfleet vessel. Annika was pleased because on the _Alexandria_ she was reunited with a friend who turned out to be someone with whom she wanted to spend the rest of her life.

There was a letter from her aunt requesting a holoimage of her ring, but otherwise she found correspondence that she could wait until later until answering. Then she came across a communiqué from the home of Admiral Janeway and Chakotay. For that she did not want to wait, so she played the message.

Chakotay's face appeared on the screen. "Hi Sev-Annika. Sorry about that. Old habits die hard. I suppose you're wondering why I sent this. We heard about you and Harry. Congratulations. The two of you deserve the happiness you've found together.

"I also want to thank you. When you ended our relationship, you said that it was in our best interests. I didn't believe you then. Now I'm married and you're engaged. You were right all along.

"Give Harry my best."

The communiqué ended, and Annika smiled. She _had_ been right. What had been one of the hardest things she had ever done also turned out to be one of the wisest. She was in love with Harry. As he and Libby had mutually decided that in his absence they'd both changed, they'd decided not to rekindle their relationship. That left Annika with no lingering feelings that perhaps she was a second choice. It had taken time, but her life in the Alpha Quadrant was much better than she could have imagined when she first returned.

Harry was at the door. "Come in," she said, and she stood to join him. They had an evening on the holodeck planned. First, though, she wanted to share an idea with him. "We haven't discussed our wedding plans," she began. "I think that we should consider holding the ceremony on Earth. We can invite our crewmates from _Voyager_ and my colleagues from the Neptune Project as well as some from the _Alexandria_. Undoubtedly your parents will want to attend, as will my aunt."

Harry smiled. "Tom can be my best man. I like the way you think."

In return, Annika flashed him a smile of her own. It seemed that her way of thinking was becoming rather popular.

END

A/N: This has probably been my most controversial story, so it's been a bit of a challenge to write. I'd love to know what people think of how it worked out.


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